“I just want the truth.”

“You can’t handle the truth!”

Well neither can we so you can have this instead.

Crisis for the Central Coast sports dietitian as the players have come back from their team bonding trip taken during the ACL-induced week off an average of one and a half kilograms overweight. The coaching staff is scratching their respective heads regarding the cause of such a rapid piling on of the kilos and are asking what could have happened to the players at their team bonding weekend away up the road at Nimbin. Coach Phil Moss is still trying to find out what was so funny about their first training session back.

Red-hot Melbourne Victory forward Besart Berisha’s form, highlighted by his ‘hattie’ in the weekend’s Melbourne Derby, had put him back in the reckoning for Albania. We can reveal that he had been discussing a return to the national team with the Albanian coaching staff. It appeared that Berisha was going to at least make the substitutes bench, however, talks broke down when it was realised that he would not be able to fit in with the teams tactical play. Berisha only possesses two of three vital Albanian striking attributes: strength back to goal and finishing while unfortunately lacking the ability to unsettle opposition defences by flying a remote control vehicle.

David Villa has come under criticism from many sources after refusing to shake hands with anyone and leaving the field immediately after Melbourne City’s heavy 5-2 defeat to rivals Melbourne Victory. Villa has defended himself saying that he no longer felt welcome in the stadium as large sections of the crowd were telling him to ‘eff off’ because ‘this city is ours’ and that there was only ‘one team in Melbourne’ which coincidentally was not his own. Villa has become so offended that he is leaving the country in the next week.

The think-tank has been going into overdrive at the Western Sydney Wanderers as they look to translate the Herculean efforts of their Asian Champions League campaign to the A-League. After consulting Adelaide United suits, who suffered the same chalk and cheese performances in Asia and the A-League in 2008, the Wanderers have embarked upon a sneaky plan to change their league fortunes. Tony Popovic was seen loading up a Toyota Hilux ute with AFC hoardings and billboards planning to break them out for the next home league game to fool the players into a better performance. It is not known whether the players and RBB/fans will notice.

Awer Mabil has shrugged off claims that his howler miss from the weekend is the worst ever. “Take it easy everyone, this is not even the worst missed opportunity in the history of Adelaide United. We know a fair bit about that,” he reasoned while impressively juggling two league runners-up, two Grand Final runners-up and an Asian Champions League runners-up gong from the Adelaide trophy room.

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Next week, I, @kylechandler14, will be reporting live from Suncorp Stadium as I sympathise with Brisbane Roar and their fans as they continue their form to a fourth successive loss, trounced 2-0 by the bye.

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Despite having robbed Leigh Broxham of the ball in Year 10 inter-school soccer Kyle is still a twenty-something awaiting take-off on an illustrious footballing career. In the meantime he can be found bashing his head against a wall watching Arsenal and Melbourne Victory pass the ball sideways and being a pest on Twitter.