It’s A-League time. All your pals are getting pumped. They’re making bets about premiership forerunners, talking strategy and throwing off names like Ognjen Vukojević like they’re Smith and Jones.

You’re still figuring out red cards from the yellow, and yes, the ball is round, mate, round.
While it’s all fun and games learning football from Bend It Like Beckham, there are only so many times you can use football’s hypnotizing power as an excuse to stay quiet. Alas, a gift has arrived from The Football Sack in the shape and form of your football savior: tips on watching, talking and sleeping football.

  1. Learn the lingo

Because we’re a classy bunch with overwhelming sophistication, the referee is called “sir”, an appropriate term in all occasions of praise or sass. A few one-liners wouldn’t go astray either, like “they’ve been doin’ it all day sir!” (accompanied with passive aggressive hand signals and usually spouted early on in the game for comedic effect), is a surefire way to rub shoulders with those in the know.

  1. Pick a team

It doesn’t matter who they are or where they’re from, but defend them til the end of the earth. Football is all about passion, yo! Make sure you can name at least three players, maybe two of their stars and one who’s lagging behind (because everyone loves to pit the blame of their team’s downfall on someone) or risk being caught out as the fraud you really are.

  1. Pick up the rulebook

Just flick through it, casually, because all you really need is one key rule. Know it, and know it well, look it up if you must, but YouTube exists for a reason. Offside is a good one, because it happens SO MANY TIMES and you’ll impress the doubt out of everyone when you call it EVERY SINGLE TIME that they’ll feel so insecure about their own lack of rulebook knowledge that they won’t even be able to bare your well-informed presence. For you lads and lasses looking to win the hearts of those part football – part intellectual individuals, chuck the ‘last man’ rule into conversation and you’re welcome.

  1. Watch the people

You’ve made it to a match, well done, gold star! You’re a beer and two pies down and so far you’re fitting in. The only things left to do are to cheer when the others cheer, boo when they boo and not to be that god-awful imbecile who doesn’t throw their beer in the air like the just don’t care following your team’s goal. Now get your educated buttock off that chair and find yourself a nice logo-embossed scarf, because only n00bs don’t have one of those.

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A 20 year old Media and Law student trying to tame those stream-of-consciousness writing habits with an ickle bit of fun at the Central Coast Mariners.