Hurrah to you, Soccer n00b, you’ve made it to your first race to the finals! You’ve upped the anti in the last 22 rounds and words like cleansheet, offside, and volley have slipped seamlessly into your vocabulary.

Yet, in the bloodthirsty fight for the top six, you fear your beloved A-League bros are just not going to make it and all your Grand Final anticipation is fading fast into a downward trajectory towards the wooden spoon!

Hold the drama, n00b, The Football Sack has an upside to all the bottom ladder blues.

Failure sets you up for success

The mountain of success is bloody steep and really hard to climb. This, my friends, is a metaphor for winning and sometimes a team has just got to to lose in order to know how to win. I know, it’s a hard slog now but next season is full of hope and ambition. Ride the wave, pal, ride the wave.

You Won’t Have a Heart Attack

No need to worry your doctor, Mariners fans, because you’re a fair chance of not making it to the Grand Final. You’d think that’s a real shame, wouldn’t you, until you hear watching your team in an intense soccer match “more than doubles the risk of an acute cardiovascular event.” That’s right, your team missing out on a Grand Final performance is actually BETTER for you! A New England study found that when Germany and Italy versed each other in the 2006 World Cup in Munich, doctors recorded an increased rate of heart attacks and heart rhythm problems, more than 15% for men and 27% for women. Thank us later.

Winning is not always the answer

Look, he’s not a footballer but Graham Arnold could probably still knock a few fellas to the ground, no? In his struggle to be absolutely top notch, Arnie once said, “Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths.” Wait, is that you Tony Walmsley, Mariners head coach and “transition phase” extraordinaire? I know which team I’m watching out for next season.

Football Free May

It’s like Ramadan, Sober September, Lent, a diet. When the pubs and BBQs are going hot on Grand Final Day, May 17, your stark lack of interest in whoever wins will free you up to do whatever tickles your fancy. Take up knitting, build a croquembouche, clean out your sock draw, the list is endless. You’ll be so occupied you won’t even want the game on in the background, seriously.

Have Hope

For now, cherish the five rounds we have left together as soccer (or do you dare now say ‘football’) n00bs. Now that you’re all decked out in football know-how, your n00b status will graduate to something of ‘amateur expert.’ You’re team might have knocked you about this season, but how much better do you feel knowing you can do it all again – without the n00biness – next season.

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A 20 year old Media and Law student trying to tame those stream-of-consciousness writing habits with an ickle bit of fun at the Central Coast Mariners.