Over the past few days the clown sighting epidemic that has both captivated and terrified the United States has hit Australian shores amid a storm of social media hysteria.

Many people throughout the country have reported seeing clowns lurking around neighbourhoods, parks and in bushland, with some even capturing the eerie entertainers on film.

With the trend rapidly growing in popularity the phenomenon has already spread to football with a number of clowns having been spotted at Hyundai A-League matches so far this season.

These clowns however are not donned with rainbow wigs, red noses and baggy pants, however; they’re spilling drinks, stealing seats and running onto the field and what’s more, they’ve been appearing at A-League matches since the inception of Australia’s premier football division.

To help A-League attendees stay safe until this jokester junk subsides, The Football Sack has compiled a complete list of clowns to avoid at A-League matches.

Boozo the Beer Spiller

Everyone who has attended an A-League match has run across this bozo before. You’re just sitting there enjoying Bruno Fornaroli make an opposition defence look like a bunch of Aussies leaving Oktoberfest when Boozo tips a tray of suds in your lap because the clown was returning to their seat with a tray of beer, four pies and a carton of hot chips. Boozos are easily spotted because they’re the ones complaining about the beer prices with a flower in their pocket.

Sprinkles the Streaker

An absolute clown who ruins a nice day by holding the match up and forces viewers at home to watch scrambled images of random crowd members so not to give Sprinkles their brief moment of glory. Spectators only watch Sprinkles to see security nail the jokester with a boutonniere crunching tackle. Hearing a “Yo, man. I’m gonna streak, it’ll be mad.” is a sure sign you’re seated near Sprinkles.

Gonzo the Grandstand Coach

Gonzo flunked out of coaching school years ago after he thought he had “something special” coaching their child’s Under-8’s side all the way to their title. Despite now wearing big floppy shoes instead of boots this regular Pep Gonzordiola still has the tactical nous to turn around a 4-0 deficit and is willing to share it with the stadium. Often shouts random tidbits like “False nine”, “Park the bus” and “He’s been doin it all game, Sir”.

Charlie the Chant Starter

There are many football fanatics who like a good chant and there is nothing wrong with showing your team some love. But Charlies sit their baggy pants down in the family area and proceed to hurl abuse at the corner taker. Often barely able to stabilise their drink, Charlie’s chants are predominately limited to discriminatory slurs and their hatred for opponents is matched only by the crowd’s hatred of this laughable lout. Charlie is the first one security is looking to give the clown shoe boot.

Siegfried the Seat Stealer

Like the name suggests this rainbow afro enthusiast thinks they’re quite the magician purchasing a general admission ticket and cleverly taking up prime position on the halfway line. This obviously goes down like a lead balloon animal with the supporters who coughed up their hard earned cash for their season tickets. Playing dumb doesn’t work Siegfried; everyone would rather see the old pull a rabbit out of the hat again than this clown. Disappear forever please, Siegfried.

 

 

 

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Editor of The Football Sack and former graduate who now works in the ancient and noble art of print media.