What if A-League players weren’t playing football and instead were competing in a sport better suited to their skills, traits and behaviour?

Eric Bautheac: At 168cm he’s short, light and agile and surely all you need to become jockey. Word on the street is that Brisbane Roar’s kit men have volunteered to make his racing silks with only a plain shirt and some strapping tape.

Kearyn Baccus: After throwing his toys out of the pram when Western Sydney Wanderers refused an overseas release perhaps he can throw something useful and try out Premier League Darts. He’s going to have plenty of time to practice because he isn’t going to be playing football any time soon.


Jaushua Sotirio: A supreme athlete who can maintain an intense top speed for an unnatural amount of time. Just don’t ask him to think or make decisions on the fly. Perfect for American Football making him the first Aussie sportsman to transition to the NFL, right?

Matt Simon: A bit of a gumby but he tries hard. Matty puts in a shift on boiling hot days and is definitely one of the boys. He’s also great at waiting on the sidelines until it’s his turn to play making him a shoe-in for schoolyard handball champion.

Patricio Rodriguez: The twinkle-toed Argentinian has shown he has feet faster than lightning that dazzle opposition defenders and spectators alike. With those skills Rodriguez could’ve easily found his way onto the podium in figure skating at the Winter Olympics in Pyeongchang.

Wout Brama: The Dutchman proved his feet can make an impact without the ball when he committed a horror tackle on Corey Gameiro in Round 18. Brama’s flying foot would be more at home in the UFC octagon rather than the football pitch so a future in Mixed Martial Arts is perhaps something he should pursue.

Dario Vidosic: Clearly isn’t suited to a team game after joining his fifth A-League club. He seems to play for himself and needs to be coached by his father at every turn so tennis seems the most suited sport. Surely Australian tennis could do with a pretentious, self-important male player cause they really don’t have enough of them.

Tando Velaphi: European handball. The guy is an expert at using his hands to get the ball in the net.

Kwabena Appiah: Recently departed the Central Coast Mariners but in his time in the A-League showed that he is an absolutely pace machine. Unfortunately for Appiah straight line speed seemed to be the extent of his talents which makes him a shoe in to one day be an Olympic sprinter.

Massimo Maccarone: About as mobile as a 70-year-old (probably because he’s not far off that age) yet still manages to hit the spot time and time again. He would be much more suited to a less intensive sport like lawn bowls where he can do what he does best and simply stand and deliver. It also tends to be a sport that the seniors absolutely thrive at.

Mateo Poljak: The only thing the guy has in his locker is the sideways pass so why not get him playing State of Origin where that’s the only thing he’s allowed to do: forward passes banned!

Mitch Nichols: Boxing. Not saying he’d be any good at it. But who wouldn’t want the opportunity to see Mitch take a couple on the chin?

Andy Keogh: Having already worked closely with his wife to receive under-the-table payments, why don’t they put their chemistry to good use in the mixed doubles at the Australian Open.

Michael Zullo: With the ability to headbutt rock solid tables and still being able to get up, Michael has what it takes to become a karate champion

Marc Warren: We still can’t believe he’s a professional footballer either. He once turned up to an NPL game for APIA Leichhardt pissed as a fart and still played the first half before his coach realised. To take advantage of his talent to play under the influence we reckon he needs to be a regular at his local pub’s pool comp if he isn’t already!

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Living and studying in Newcastle. Pretty obsessed with football. Newcastle Jets and Chelsea FC fan