Questioning what sort of antics the Socceroos will get up to in Russia? Look no further.

If you thought the heart palpitations of Australia’s World Cup qualifying campaign were tough enough to push past, you’ve got another thing coming.

Julie Bishop, first class flights, master chefs and Tim Cahill’s ego all feature in this hotpot of satirical Socceroo stories The Football Sack suspects will unfold.

FFA Revolt: Suits sickened after being told to fly economy

David Gallop and Steven Lowy have been left astounded by an executive decision to fly Economy on all travels in a cost cutting measure for the footballing body.

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FFA Chief Executive Gallop is furious with the cull, stating that he and Lowy “are not peasants” and that first class travel is “a necessity for the growth of football in Australia”.

The measure has been implemented following several other cuts to the trip’s itinerary, including flying the national team to Russia on budget airline Tiger Airways.

The body has also cut equipment costs and catering, telling players to bring “a football, some cones and a healthy lunch box from home”.

Headline act: George Calombaris leading Australia’s active support

George Calombaris is no stranger to the odd bar bumble and stadium shove.

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It is only fitting that the 39-year-old chef enforcer has taken the opportunity with both hands – like how he shoved that teenager – to become the face of Australia’s fan contingent at the FIFA World Cup.

“At Masterchef, it starts and ends with me. Don’t listen to anything that tub of lard Matt Preston says,” said Calombaris in a press conference he personally called in front of the Kremlin.

“If the Russians are anything like those Soviet girls on that rubbish rival show My Kitchen Rules, I’m sure me and the boys will be more than willing to give us Aussies a good name.”

It is understood that the FFA has sought legal advice to ban Calombaris from all future A-League matches in accordance with their policy to end all active support in Australia.

Referee nerve agent attack: Julie Bishop denies allegations

Foreign Minister Julie Bishop has today denied explosive claims she poisoned referee Mark Clattenburg ahead of Australia’s opening match against France at Luzhniki Stadium.

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“These things happen,” said Julie Bishop to a media scrum outside the Australian embassy.

The high-ranking minister did however sympathize with the perpetrator.

“Russia is threatening the world, sometimes you have to take matters into your own hands, figuratively, you know?”

Clattenburg is expected to make a full recovery from the nerve agent attack, reportedly stating from his hospital bed that he cannot wait to “start ruining Spurs again”.

Kruse still a sook despite historic victory over France

Australia’s national darling and Socceroos winger Robbie Kruse has today complained.

Not about anything in particular either.

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Speaking to SBS co-host Craig Foster following their miraculous 2-1 upset of France thanks to a late – and great – Tim Cahill double, Kruse needed to vent his frustrations.

“The game just didn’t unfold how I wanted it to,” remarked Kruse.

“I felt we could have been better, the umpiring could have been better, the French players played a negative brand of football and it really affected the match.

“Credit to Tim Cahill for those two relatively easy goals but let’s be honest, he’s not as good as he used to be.

“I felt we should have combined up front more to bring my elite passing and dribbling skills to the forefront so yeah, not that pleased with the performance.”

Following the match, coach Bert van Marwijk had this to say.

“Robbie has that uncanny knack of inexplicably finding his way into the starting XI in front of three or four more talented players.

“We are at a loss to explain it.”

Australia’s darkest day… again: Jedinak caught ball-tampering

Ordinary Australians will again have to search for a new national team to follow after Mile Jedinak admitted to ball-tampering allegations following the Socceroos’ match against Peru.

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The captain admitted to a premeditated plan where the inexperienced Dimitri Petratos would puncture the ball before set pieces, using a blade concealed in his sock.

The knife was given to Petratos by vice-captain Mark Milligan in an attempt to increase the swing on Jedinak’s free kicks.

Steven Lowy was rather blasé when discussing the incident, saying FFA administration should not be targeted.

“Sure, the ball-tampering was planned and overseen by players and coaches we have endorsed as leaders for this sport in Australia, but should we be blamed?”

Chief Executive David Gallop is yet to comment, as he is currently flying first class to Moscow to address the controversy.

Cahill: “Hiddink came to me in a dream”

Heroic forward Tim Cahill has stunned his teammates, coaches and fans alike just hours out from the World Cup, revealing that national lord and saviour Guus Hiddink not only appeared in his dream last night but also told him he would lead the Socceroos to glory.

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But there is a catch; Cahill claimed he would have to play every minute of Australia’s World Cup campaign for the legendary coach’s prophecy to be realised.

“It is a heavy burden to carry, but if anyone has the ability to carry it, it’s the best player Australia has ever had,” said Cahill, pointing to himself all the while.

Bert van Marwijk is yet to respond to the bold declarations from the Socceroos’ leading goalscorer.

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Adelaide-based writer, content creator and story-teller. Like one of those determined ants that require a second flick.