Picture this.

You’re ordering food at your local.

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“I’ll have the Sydney FC thanks.”

“Wise choice. And for your friend?” the waiter asks.

“Uhh, I’ll have the Wellington Phoenix,” your mate replies.

Time stops. Eyes dart across the table and stare directly towards the dude you once considered your friend.

You shield your face to protect yourself from the heat emanating from the waiter’s unwavering glare. The chant “Nix Out” echoes around the bar.

Your mate bolts, half promising to never order the ‘Nix again, half wondering what the f*** he just got into.

Just an average night at the #SokkahTwitter watering hole, that’s what.

We kick off our deluxe menu with none other than…

Melbourne Victory – Chicken Schnitzel

The most common pub dish known to man. A good old Chicken Schnitty has a huge following and for good reason, with toppings like Diane and Parmigiana only adding to its legacy. Has been known to slide tackle its diners with food poisoning on occasion.

Melbourne City – Veal Schnitzel

The lesser-celebrated schnitzel. Has a smaller following and less respect, but is often Heart-ier than its feathered rival. A renaissance of sorts in recent years has seen the dish treated with more respect from pubs and patrons alike.

Sydney FC – 500g Steak (medium rare)

“When in doubt, go the steak” is advice enshrined in pub folklore. Nothing gets the mouth salivating more than a perfect cut of cow cooked precisely at medium rare. Expect disappointment at times with such a dish, but know that when cooked by the right chef, the  not-so-humble steak blows its competition away.

Western Sydney Wanderers – 250g Steak (well done)

When ordering, guests often will be heard telling the waiter to “just torch the thing aye”.

Brisbane Roar – Fish & Chips

No other pub staple comes close to the inconsistency of this dish. The heights of eating gorgeous fluffy Whiting are so often followed by a s***house Barra at the very next meal. The only way to avoid having your heart shattered is to maintain low expectations forever.

Newcastle Jets – The Salad Bar

Always there for you on the side, particularly if your main is hot trash. It’s hard to explain in words just how good tucking into a fresh pasta salad is when waiting for a meal. Not there to compete; just to have a good time.

Adelaide United – Anything from the Kids Menu

Youth is the new black in pissant town, so the Reds are the perfect way to shut up that nightmare 8-year-old accident.

Perth Glory – Caesar Salad

Salad banter aside, a f***ing decent meal.

Central Coast Mariners – Vegetarian Penne

“We’re moving in a new direction” vibes. Eaten only by 23-year-old daughters dragged to their Dad’s 50th Birthday dinner.

Wellington Phoenix – Fish Laksa

Just don’t.

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Adelaide-based writer, content creator and story-teller. Like one of those determined ants that require a second flick.