We’re no schmucks. We haven’t bought into the slick marketing for the 2018/19 football season.

Just in case you were thinking of tuning in to watch quality players like Honda, Ninkovic or Fornaroli, here are five reasons not to watch the Hyundai A-League this season.

1. The FFA might implode halfway through the season

There’s a catastrophic fire warning for the offices of College St; Football Federation Australia are extremely likely to burst into flames midway through the A-League season. We predict it’ll happen sometime during Star Wars Round. It leaves you wondering if that season ticket you’ve had on auto-renew for the last 10 years will be valid for all 11 home games.

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2. FFA Cup is cray this year

We’ve been too focused on the FFA Cup to be worried about silly things like the start of Australia’s awesome domestic football competition. Nothing will compare to Tasuku Sekiya running riot for APIA Leichhardt Tigers when they beat Melbourne Victory. Think about it. A tiny team, from a bygone era, beating a team coached by He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, last year’s A-League Champions. Football peaked in this moment – no need to watch any more.

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3. Sam Kerr given marquee coffers

The powers that be have emptied their pockets for Sam Kerr, giving her the marquee funds for 2018. So it sounds like we won’t be able to watch an ageing foreign player take a working holiday in the A-League this season. It’s a proper disgrace.

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4. Usain Fault

The world’s fastest man still hasn’t received a contract with Central Coast Mariners. What the actual?! Surely the standard of the A-League isn’t so good that someone who has only ever played in celebrity matches could walk into a squad? If Mulvey doesn’t give Usain Bolt the call up for game one it’s reason enough to blow the vast sums of money you’d spend on beer and halftime hotdogs on stupid stuff. Like rent.

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5. Bushy Beardy Ben Halloran is Adelaide’s key striker

Somewhere in the six years between playing for Gold Coast United and signing for Adelaide in 2018, Ben Halloran got a beard and got good. Or at least, good enough to play for Adelaide. He looks like he’s spent his time in Europe moonlighting on the set of Vikings, so unless he leads a rebellious hoard to the shores of the west and sacks Perth, we won’t be satisfied.

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But if you do want to watch it, the Hyundai A-League kicks off on the 19th of October. Or if you want to see Sam Kerr rip up the Westfield W-League it begins on the 25th October.

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