Ten people A-League clubs should avoid

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With such high drug-related scrutiny in the media and Australian sport right now, and with four Hyundai A-League players already revealed as dopers yesterday, we have done the clubs a favour and compiled a list of the top ten people to steer clear of during this troubled time.

1: The lawyer from Fear And Loathing in Las Vegas – Or any sports writer that idolized Hunter S Thompson; “we were halfway in to the season when the drugs kicked in…”

2: Stephen Dank
– The Essendon Sports Scientist is allegedly so bad at his job that not only will you be done for illegal supplements but your performances on-field will still be shit.

3: Walter White/Heisenberg – 99.1% chemically pure methamphetamine ain’t gettin past no drug tester.

4: Mark Renton from Trainspotting – Notorious druggie who also loves his football (Archie Gemmill v Holland 1978 specifically). From Scotland so Perth Glory are most at risk.

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5: Pete Doherty
– It’s what Marco Rojas would become if he did crack.

6: Tony Mockbel – He may be in prison for the next thirty years, but best give that penitentiary a wide berth.

7: Shane Warne’s mum
– Yeah, remember when that was the biggest drug scandal in Australian sporting history?

8: Fidel Castro
– Perhaps more into baseballing than football but a rich, senile old man with a passion for sport seems just the sort of person the FFA like to base their strategy around. The problem is, with his hands in more than one packet of the white stuff, Big C would turn any club into a bigger banano case than Clive Palmer’s Gold Coast ever was – even when they were snowballing out of control.

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9: Towelie – This drug-addicted talking towel from everyone’s favourite mountain town may give sound advice on the use of towel safety and proper towel use, but when it comes to responsible drug behaviour for professional athletes, you best find yourself a different shallow, two-dimensional character.

10: Any amateur football team from Nimbin – Do we even need to say anything? It’s the first stop on any American exchange student’s itinerary for a reason, but that doesn’t mean our A-League teams should pop by on their way to Brisbane.

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