If A-League clubs were different types of toilet paper

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Australians are currently stockpiling toilet paper around the nation as the Coronavirus fears increase, but have you ever wondered which type of toilet paper your club would be?

Don’t worry, neither have we, but it is done now.

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Central Coast Mariners: One-Ply Toilet Paper

As the name suggests, the one-ply toilet roll has one layer of paper and when it comes to cost it is significantly cheaper than its competitors. Just because it is cheaper, do not disregard its durability – much like the Mariners.

They have underperformed in recent years and a serious lack of investment has cost them dearly but you cannot deny that at times, the side has shown guts, determination and skill.

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Although, it is hard to dispose of the disappointment that comes to mind when you think of one-ply toilet paper and Central Coast.

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Newcastle Jets: Two-Ply Toilet Paper

It is presumed that two layers of paper would be better than one right?

For years, two-ply toilet paper was always thicker and usually assumed to be better. Now that is not the case as one-ply toilet paper has become just as strong as two-ply.

In recent times, the Jets have been in danger of becoming the two-ply toilet paper of the league. Always presumed to be better than the Mariners but in actual fact, they are not.

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Adelaide United: Three-Ply Toilet Paper

Three-ply creates a higher quality, better feeling sheet of toilet paper while still keeping cost down. Everything about this roll points to Adelaide.

It is hard to look past the fact they kept their salary cap cost down by using their fifth visa player spot on an unproven, 20-year-old from the Chinese third division.

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Melbourne City: Luxury Toilet Paper 

Luxury toilet paper sales have grown more than 70 per cent since 2000, and they are expected to keep growing faster than all other categories.

In 2014, the City Football Group bought the struggling Melbourne Heart and turned them into the Australian offshoot of their Manchester City flagship. Since then, the growth of their Melbourne franchise has been evident for all to see.

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Melbourne Victory: Extra Soft Toilet Paper

Extra soft toilet paper is a variation of luxury toilet paper and a big hitter within the industry.

Therefore, a perfect fit for the Victory because we know they are the ‘biggest’ club in the land.

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Sydney FC: Ultra Soft Toilet Paper

This is the real cream of the crop stuff. Ultra soft toilet paper is another variation of luxury toilet paper so you can be assured of its quality.

And as the A-League ladder speaks for itself, Sydney has no shortage of quality.

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Perth Glory: Unbleached Toilet Paper

Also known as brown toilet paper, unbleached paper is made up of recycled materials. Much like the Glory’s squad.

With an average player age of 27.48, they are the oldest squad in the competition. They also have the league’s most recycled player in Liam Reddy, who has played for seven different clubs.

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Western United: Bamboo Toilet Paper

Bamboo toilet paper is silky soft and it is also unbleached. The papers only downside is that it is more expensive than regular toilet paper.

Western is the only club in the league that has been given a bigger salary cap, therefore making them more expensive than your regular roll.

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Wellington Phoenix: RV/ Marine/ Camping Toilet Paper

RV or rapid dissolving toilet paper is designed to be safe for vehicles that are always on the move.

As Wellington are always on the road, this seems fitting.

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Western Sydney Wanderers > Coloured Toilet Paper

If you’re old enough, you might remember a time when toilet paper came in colours other than white. Coloured toilet paper first appeared in the ’50s, but disappeared because doctors warned the dyes could be harmful to skin.

In recent times, coloured toilet paper has made a return. To have only one option for toilet paper would have been a travesty and to only have one team in Sydney would have been a real travesty. Luckily for A-League fans, Western Sydney was born to rival the ultra soft toilet paper and create a Sydney derby.

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Brisbane Roar > Toilet Paper For Sensitive Skin

Plagued with inconsistencies and very ill-treated by higher management in the past, Robbie Fowler has now turned his Roar team into a toilet roll that is pleasing for everyone.

He has softened their problems with some very useful and soothing signings. Along with the ability to be resolute in defence and effective when needed.

Everything that makes toilet paper great.

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Feature image credit: Euan James

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Euan James
Lover of all things football. Covering Adelaide United in 2019/20 for TFS!