If A-League clubs were South Park characters

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Have you ever wondered which South Park character your A-League club would be? I mean it’s unlikely that you have, but I have gone and done it anyway.

Sydney FC: Stan Marsh

The Sky Blues are one of the big players in the league, just like Stan is one of the main characters in South Park. Also, if you refer to trophies as Wendy Testaburger, then you realize that Sydney love winning. Just like Stan loves his girlfriend Wendy.

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Melbourne City: Ike Broflovski

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Previously Melbourne Heart, City have really only become relevant in recent years. In all honestly, they are only relevant because of their “big brother”. In this case, the big brother is the City Football Group. Or it could be Melbourne Victory, whatever works for you.

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Wellington Phoenix: The Canadians

This was a weird one. The Nix are the neighbours across the border (or the Tasman Sea in this case) that are involved for some reason. There was also a point when no-one really liked them and wished they would just leave. #NixOut

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Brisbane Roar: Chef

Brisbane’s history in the A-League is similar to that of the man in charge of the South Park Elementary cafeteria. They started off the early seasons really strong but over time, just sort of slowly deteriorated. Now no-one really knows what is going on with them. But Robbie Fowler is there.

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Perth Glory: Mr Garrison

This was possibly the toughest one to decide on. Perth have been around since the beginning and have constantly been involved. They are just always there. If you remember Garrison became the President and no-one is entirely sure how that happened. Just like fans (maybe just me) are not entirely sure how Perth managed to finish atop the league in the 18/19 season.

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Western United: Sheila Broflovski

The new boys are oddly similar to Kyle’s mum. They try to be relevant and be the centre of attention, but in all honesty, does anyone actually like them?

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Adelaide United: Tweek

The form of the Reds this season and throughout the history of the league is really shaky. Quite like Tweek, as he struggles to sit still and is all over the place. I mean, how can you play 21 of 29 games and have zero draws in that time?

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Western Sydney Wanderers: Kenny McCormick

Kenny McCormick often does not make it to the end of an episode. Just like the Wanderers do not make it to the end of the season. But on the off chance that they do go all the way, it still does not end well. Poor Kenny.

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Newcastle Jets: Craig Tucker

Craig, despite appearing regularly, is really only a supporting character. The Jets often fail to really make a strong impact in the league, with the exception of the 2017/18 season. Both are just sort of there, but neither are really that relevant to the main story. They do provide some great moments though.

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Melbourne Victory: Eric Cartman

Cartman is one of the biggest characters in the show and the Victory is one of the biggest clubs in the league. Despite their popularity, there is often a strong dislike for them but neither seem to care.

On a regular basis, Cartman is just straight up mean and harsh to everyone. The Victory hold an unwanted record. They have the highest number of cards across the history of the league, with a total of 883 (832 yellows and 51 reds).

Central Coast Mariners: Butters Stotch

Butters is a great source of entertainment in the show, just like the Mariners can be in the league (i.e Matt Simon with two penalties and a ripped shirt in injury time). But they both, unfortunately, seem a bit clueless at times or a lot of the time.

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Declan Smith
Current Sports Media student at University of Canberra. Average footballer