If A-League clubs were types of Football Sack articles

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The most Football Sack article to exist now exists.

Sydney FC: The Opinion piece

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Sydney are the best team in the A-League. The opinion piece is the best type of article to write. That is the only comparison I feel like drawing between these two arbitrary things, so let’s talk about why the opinion piece is the best type of article.

If you are just a generic A-League fan saying your views on twitter, no one is going to pay you much attention. But if you say the exact same thing on a respectable website, you get all the credit.

Thanks to our ability to write, we can say the same things as fans and end up with both credit and an ego boost. Just like Sydney in the A-League, it’s the best type of article.

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Western Sydney Wanderers: The interview 

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The Wanderers have found a sort of disappointing consistency in recent years. Once one of the A-League greats, the Wanderers look set for a third consecutive season outside of the six. Every now and then, things can go amazingly right – like the Sydney derby wins this season – but things can also go horribly wrong – see the recent 3-1 loss to the Brisbane Roar.

The interview is much the same. Most of the time you will walk away from the interview with a few usable quotes and some generic cliches.

But just like the Wanderers, things can go horribly wrong. Ask the wrong questions and you end up with an angry player and being barred from interviews. But with the right ones? You will have too much good info for an article.

Melbourne Victory: The Match Report 

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For the longest time, Victory were the club who were a sure fire pick to do well. The same applies for the match report. It is the thing people want to see, so it’s always an article which will get clicks.

Then again, Victory has been a pretty stressful watch this season, and the match report is also a stressful experience. Writing a report on something which is currently happening is awful. Especially if there are late goals.

Melbourne City: The Listicle 

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The listicle should be the headline grabber. The one which glues eyes to your article. Who does not like a good list? Especially when you have the hook of how number five will shock you.

Yet just like everyone’s favourite City Football Group-owned club, the listicle always disappoints. Your dreams of being shot into journalist fame and becoming the next Simon Hill are over.

Number five was just not shocking enough. You should have advertised number six instead.

Wellington Phoenix: The research article 

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Up until the 2018/19 A-League season, Wellington were the most difficult side in the A-League to support. The threat of expulsion from the league hung over the team, and performances on the pitch were dire. But with the arrival of Mark Rudan in 2018/19, things finally began to move in a positive direction. While the Sydney FC legend is now gone, things still continue to get better for the Nix.

The same is true for the research article. Finding all the facts and figures can be soul destroying, but once it all comes together you have an article that answers an interesting question.

Brisbane Roar: The Presser 

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The bread and butter of a journalist’s life, the presser is the single most common article that is a guaranteed hit and Brisbane have been one of the A-League’s main teams for as long as we can remember. Like the interview, you can also end up with an angry manager on your hands. Just like Brisbane’s manager on Twitter.

Central Coast Mariners: If A-League clubs were…

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You want to be a journalist. You are here to find hard hitting facts, dig deep for stories, and be the beacon of truth in a world filled of fake news.

Then you end up writing this.

Like the Mariners at the moment, writing this type of article is the worst. But, much like Marvin, a broken goal post, and the Mariners themselves, you can have fun with this article and laugh at it all.

Newcastle Jets: The Free choice 

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Us journalists cannot be trusted to make our own decisions on what to write. Much like the Jets, when we have to make our own decisions it’s probably not gonna go well.

But like the Jets of 2017/18, sometimes it all goes right.

Adelaide United & Perth Glory: The Season Preview 

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These two share a spot because I am running out of ideas. Sue me.

The season preview is a relatively safe choice. Fans will eat up you praising or talking crap about their club. You can enrage people on social media by saying bad things about their club. Fun all around!

Meanwhile, in recent years Adelaide and Perth have become fairly standard safe bets to do somewhat well.

Western United: Any article where the author puts too much personal stuff into their article 

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I have officially run out of article ideas, so I am running with this. Sometimes journalists put too much personal stuff into their articles. We are here for the news, damn it, not to hear about you vent about your personal problems. We do not care about how you are finding math really hard. What kind of journalist would put that in their article?

Anyway, given the amount of fans Western have in their stadium it’s safe to assume that no one likes them either.

Featured image credit: Adelaide United.

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Dan Moskovitz
The Football Sack's resident teen kiwi football nut. Loves everything football except defeats.