If every A-League Men’s club was an alcoholic beverage

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It’s the question that’s been on everyone’s lips. If your favourite A-League Men’s club were a type of alcohol, which would they be?

Time to find out if your drink order at the bar needs an update, because we’re about to find out…

Melbourne Victory: Chardonnay

Australia’s most popular football club matches up well with one of Australia’s most popular types of alcohol. Both incredible successful in their own right, you simply can’t go wrong backing either of these ones in.

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Melbourne City: Pink Gin

After languishing in mediocrity for many years, Melbourne City has experienced a surge in attention and success over the past couple of seasons. In the same time period, gin has gone from being almost exclusively drunk by people over the age of 45, to one of the hottest and most diverse spirits on the market.

Question is, are both in it for the long haul?

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Sydney FC: Full-Strength Beer

On top for the longest time, perhaps the most successful beverage in history gets paired with the most successful ALM club in history. While other drinks might rise and fall in popularity, the one eternal constant at any bar will be a row of beers on tap right at the front, much like Sydney FC being right at the top of the ladder.

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Adelaide United: Shiraz

Ok, this one was low-hanging fruit (no pun intended), but who could possibly pass this one up? And to be sure, the comparison has some substance to it as well. Having won two A-League Men championships, and a record three FFA Cup Finals, the Reds are a club befitting their association with some of the most iconic and expensive bottles of wine on the market.

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Wellington Phoenix: Sauvignon Blanc

New Zealand might be most famous for its vast array of “Sauv Blancs” that often steal the show in the Australian market. While the Nix are yet to achieve that level of notoriety in their own field as of yet, perhaps their country’s success at crushing grapes in a particular manner could serve as inspiration? Just a thought.

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Western United: Suntory -196

When Suntory brought their style of pre-mixed beverages to market in Australia, they absolutely flew off the shelves, to the point where they were nearly impossible to find for a period of time. What has been very easy to find has been Western United, as in their first season in the A-League Men they’ve been sitting pretty very near the top of the ladder.

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Newcastle Jets: Jagermeister

Jagermeister was all the rage a few years back, with Jager bombs a staple of any night out across Australia. And just as ordering a round of Jager bombs would get you a weird look from your friends in 2022, so would picking Newcastle Jets as your team to beat in almost any recent season.

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Macarthur FC: Seltzers

Macarthur FC hasn’t experienced the dramatic rise to prominence of fellow newcomers Western United, but much like the newly popular vodka seltzers, they’re making their mark and look to be settling in for the long-haul. Stay tuned.

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Central Coast Mariners: Mid-strength beer

With Sydney FC clearly the big brother of the New South Wales clubs, Central Coast has to take the back-up spot of mid-strength beer. Still has it’s uses and moments, various mid-strengths are some of the most popular beers going around, but clearly second-best to the full-bodied variety. It could certainly be worse…

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Western Sydney Wanderers: Light beer

This comparison is going to come off as a slight, and, it kind of is one. The Wanderers simply haven’t had a lot of success in the A-League, which translates to them being the baby brother to the two more successful clubs from NSW. Just like light beer, they certainly have their moments, but for most people, either of the two aforementioned options will be preferable.

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Brisbane Roar: Corona 

A popular one up north, Coronas are a warm-weather classic. And while Brisbane has never quite managed to maintain a stranglehold over the league for a long period of time like, say, a Carlton Draught or Great Northern, they’re generally on the shortlist of best available options. Not as popular at the moment, but you can’t keep a good team, or drink, down.

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Perth Glory: A half-shot of Bailey’s and milk that’s been left in the sun for 45 minutes

I’ve got nothing against Bailey’s and milk, it is a good dessert-style beverage if you’re that-way inclined. But if you were to leave such a beverage out in the heat for an extended period of time, that “is” would become a “was”, which is exactly how we feel about Perth Glory in their current form. A team with success in its past, but which needs to be reinvigorated and refreshed.

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Feature Image Credit: Robbie Szafranek

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Mitchell Turner
Mitchell Turner
Third Year Undergraduate Arts Student at Monash University (Journalism Major). Generic sports tragic living out my failed dreams of going pro vicariously through other people.

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