Alternate universe where footballers are X

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I could be a professional footballer, don’t you worry about that. And you could too. In an alternate universe we could handle the glamorous life of taking peptides, signing boobs, fixing games, rocking up to training for a trundle a few days of the week and kicking a round ball around a field every now and then. 

Hell, I’d have no trouble kissing the badge of some team I hated for years and years if someone decided it was a good idea to throw me thousands of clams a week to fall out of bed and pretend I’m playing FIFA in real life.

And I mean clams. Melbourne Heart? Loved them ever since I was in the womb. Melbourne Victory? They were always my boyhood club, I’d do anything for the shirt.
 

Here is what your favourite A-League players would be doing in an alternate universe, were they not blessed with mad footballing skills.
Besart Berisha – Medieval executioner. Aggressive and surely capable with torture, you can just tell. Guaranteed that he would sleep soundly after a day of beheading.
Matt Jurman – Footballer, defender. Granted, it would have to be a vastly different alternate universe. One where he could tackle, mark and clear footballs from his area.
Alessandro Del Piero– Gimp. surely. Tiny and submissive, dressed head-to-toe in leather and on a leash controlled by a minder. His dark eyes hide horrible secrets.
Joel Griffiths – Violent criminal. Proven history of not being afraid to hit where it hurts. With a short temper and with a mouth on him, you would not want to be faced in a dark alley with this animal.
Lucas Neill – Politician. Has a long history of being able to talk his way into lucrative contracts and convinced an entire nation not to blame him for costing his side a World Cup campaign, shifting blame to an opposition target.
Shinji Ono – Poker fiend. His nickname is “Tensai” (Genius) and in an alternate world he would use these powers of intelligence not for the good of his team but his own selfish motivations. Guaranteed to clean up on the WPT.
Tony Popovic – Crime lord. Well organised and well connected, Popovic has an edge and with a burning desire for more would certainly run your city. Or just do really well at The Mafia Boss MMORPG.
Emile Heskey – English hooligan. Whilst the ultimate nice guy in our universe, meet him in an episode of Sliders and Heskey would fit right in to the fine art of English fan communication, headbutting you square in the face down an alley in Millwall.
Ruben Zadkovich – Midnight Oil frontman. Predictable yes, but face it, you all see it. And we hear he recycles.
Daniel McBreen – Dead. Passed away in his sleep many years ago after a great innings. So old.
Archie Thompson – Tribal witch doctor or voodoo priest. Energetic, loves to dance and has a penchant for the correct type of tattoo. Has been known to spook groups of islanders for life.
Clint Bolton – Rock star. Not only does he have the musical interests to lead a band of glamour rockers he has what rock stars need, endurance to deal with a heavy lifestyle of pure recreation. Guaranteed to front a band better than Brett Lee’s.
Jeremy Brockie – Teddybear.  Scruffy and cuddly, there are plenty of Phoenix fans who want to take him home to meet the parents already.
Dario Vidosic – White rapper. Vanilla Ice eat your heart out.
Jacob Burns – Used car salesman. Pushy and aggressive and works hard to earn every cent. Kicking prices in the shins since 2009.
Shane Smeltz – Artist/sculptor. With advanced finishing skills in another reality Smeltz would be busy crafting the next Michaelangelo, complete with skunk haircut.
Erik Paartalu – Underwear model. Tall and dreamy, those Estonian genes have paved the way for a career without jeans.
Tim Cahill – UFC Champion. Dying to be this. Got the moves, practices publicly on corner flags, has the tatoos, demeanor and aggression. 
David Carney – New York hobo. Unemployed and as far as we know not looking for a new job.

So when you are reincarnated in a parallel world keep your eyes open; you never know who you will find trying to scratch out an honest living.

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Kyle Chandler
Despite having robbed Leigh Broxham of the ball in Year 10 inter-school soccer Kyle is still a twenty-something awaiting take-off on an illustrious footballing career. In the meantime he can be found bashing his head against a wall watching Arsenal and Melbourne Victory pass the ball sideways and being a pest on Twitter.

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