Don’t forget me, Australia’s greatest unemployed LB

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Note: this correspondence from David Carney is best read with “Behind Blue Eyes” playing in the background. The Who version, not the self-indulgent Limp Bizkit version.

Hello Australia. You might remember me. I’m David Carney. The Socceroos’ finest ever left-back. Never before or never since have the Green & Gold been blessed with a talent as free-flowing and defensively solid than I. Admit it, you miss me. You need me.

You miss my blinding goals in meaningless friendlies and qualifiers versus heavyweights such as Bahrain. You miss my heavy duty defending in crucial games. David “Mr.Reliable” Carney, that was what the lads call me. They miss me too. Lucas Neill cries all night in every Socceroos camp. His agent told me.

Where have I been you ask? I have been moving up in the world since I left Sydney. First I wasn’t getting a game in the England second division. Then I wasn’t getting a game in the Dutch Eredivisie. After that I got back in the Premier League to not get a game. Then I moved on to where it was sunny to not get a game in Spain. After I overstayed my welcome there I was off to Uzbekistan to be a foreign marquee player not getting a game. Now I am chilling out with no club not getting a game.

Carn David, get your head in the game and back into the Socceroos.

I’ve always been consistent.

Come back to Australia you say? Please. You are all mean to me. I don’t need to come back to the A-League anyway. I’m 29 years young. I’ve convinced six foreign clubs to sign me in the last six years to play less than 11 games a season, so I don’t need your charity.

I’m thinking of breaking my footballing slumber to play in Brazil. They don’t prioritise defending and given my history in defending, that would be ideal for me.

So don’t worry about me. After a few swashbuckling performances there I’ll be back in the Green and Gold. I can defend as well as the current crop, coupled with my guaranteed long bombs at 11-0 up versus Chinese Taipei South East in the World Cup Preliminary Preliminaries Stage 1A Holger would be stupid not only to not play me but make me captain and playing assistant manager.

Don’t worry about my ten month siesta from football.

By the way, don’t miss my autobiography coming out soon. It’s a guaranteed best seller. It’s called:

“Money for Nothing: how to be a millionaire working 15 hours a season

Love,

David Carney
xoxox

To hear David Carney’s plea to clubs and agents through song, click HERE.

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Kyle Chandler
Despite having robbed Leigh Broxham of the ball in Year 10 inter-school soccer Kyle is still a twenty-something awaiting take-off on an illustrious footballing career. In the meantime he can be found bashing his head against a wall watching Arsenal and Melbourne Victory pass the ball sideways and being a pest on Twitter.

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