5 reasons not to watch the A-League Grand Final

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A jam-packed 5 reasons this week in honour of the 2012/2013 Hyundai A-League Grand Final. Guys, really, it’s not going to be anything special. Promise. The only thing good about this match is that it signals clear airways for the proper sports. Like golf. Man, Adam Scott can fairly hit a ball. But into a hole, not a silly rectangle of a net. 

You shouldn’t watch the Grand Final. Hell, you should stop watching the A-League completely after such a horrible year of football.

For the final time this season, here’s why:

1. Neither of these teams have ever won before. Boring. 
Who cares if you can watch history in the making? We want teams who already have history, dammit. And Wanderers haven’t even been in the competition for a year. They’re so young they should respect their elders and rollover for Central Coast. They’re so young they’re all still playing Club Penguin let alone club football.

2. You can’t watch it live with your friends
The Grand Final is so close to being sold out that you can’t even get seats paired together, which means when your team scores instead of hugging your mate homoerotically whilst jumping up and down you’ll have to politely wave at them from across the stadium. And if you’re dead set keen for a hug, you’ll have to run frantically through a sea of chanting, joyous fans to find your friend and by the time you find him you’ll be the only fans still hugging you’ll look incredibly awkward and more than likely find yourself on kiss-cam. Or you could hug a stranger. Which is just weird. 

3. Without Berisha the only dive you’ll see is by watching Celebrity Splash 
Stop the press, Celebrity Splash is on. It’s such highbrow humour that you couldn’t possibly miss out on this show for the most exciting A-League Grand Final ever. And big name stars are appearing too, so what motivation could you hold for not witnessing high profile celebrities such as Nick Bracks, Renae Ayris, Demi Harman and Paul Fenech dive into a pool. Without Brisbane Roar in the Grand Final, there’s no chance of seeing any diving. What, you think Danny Mc-Can’t-Knock-Me-Over-Breen will take a fall? You’re dreamin’. 



4. True might of the west playing coasties 15 minutes down the road
The real western force – Bonnyrigg White Eagles – are playing Rockdale City Suns only a short drive south. This NSW National Premier Leagues fixture will be a much more hotly contested battle, with Branko Culina looking to make an impact with his City Suns against the undefeated-and-won-five-in-a-row Bonnyrigg. Unmissable. 


5. Best defensive records mean it’ll be scoreless
Western Sydney Wanderers and Central Coast Mariners have the best defensive records in the league; it’s how they did so well this season. So why would we want to watch two teams defending against eachother all match? I hazard a guess that there will be no goals scored in normal time, extra time or in penalties. The referee will call it a draw after Covic and Ryan save 20 penalties apiece.

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Matt Greenlaw
Editor of The Football Sack for three years, Matthew now spends his time sipping merlot whilst watching the reruns of Thursday FC.

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