This Week in Australian Football: Round 3

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With a level of accurate, relevant reporting only seen on our shores everywhere in the mainstream media comes ‘This week in Australian Football’…

Andy Keogh has revealed the reasons for his fantastic form after scoring seven goals in four competitive appearances. Keogh explained: “I’ve had my old goal bonus clause of a pint of warm British Ale per goal changed to a pint of ice cold Emu Bitter. Yum. I am like a new man. My eyes have been opened, I am so motivated.” A-League defences nationwide quake at the thought of any further improvement to Keogh’s form if that bonus might ever be changed to something that doesn’t taste like shit.

Chaos at Melbourne Victory training after an issue with one of the new players misunderstanding the upcoming Melbourne Derby against newly branded Melbourne City FC. Recruit Matthieu Delpierre was led back to the change rooms kicking and screaming wearing a brand new frilly dress and a dumb hat bought especially for Melbourne’s Spring Carnival.

“It’s Derby day! It’s Derby day!” a confused Delpierre screamed as hard man Kevin Muscat dragged him to the lockers.

Western Sydney Wanderers coach Tony Popovic made a late call on the weekend to cancel the players arranged post-derby function. Led by Vitor Saba, the players had hired out a hall and installed a wrestling ring for a Royal Rumble. Popovic explained after surrendering a two goal lead in the derby earlier that night: ”That is enough choking for one night.”

Vedran Janjetovic has claimed foul play led to his lolz-inducing own goal during the Sydney derby on the weekend. Janjetovic swears that a laser light from an overhead flying source was shined into his eyes causing him to spill a simple ball despite it being pointed out that there was only empty sky above him. Interestingly though on the same day, the Albanian government filed a police report for one missing helicopter drone.

James Donachie has had his training regime drastically changed after his back to back own goals for Brisbane Peugeot 106 FC. For some reason Mike Mulvey’s training spreadsheet had Donachie with the forwards and ‘extra finishing work’ box ticked. This circumstance has proved calamitous coupled with the fact that Donachie has a life-size poster of Richard Dunne on his bedroom wall.

Tune in with me, @kylechandler14, next week where we find out if Perth Glory captain Michael Thwaite is still pretending that he is Canadian rapper Drake: “Started from the bottom, now we’re here. Started from the bottom, now the whole team…” (Sing along everyone!)

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Kyle Chandler
Despite having robbed Leigh Broxham of the ball in Year 10 inter-school soccer Kyle is still a twenty-something awaiting take-off on an illustrious footballing career. In the meantime he can be found bashing his head against a wall watching Arsenal and Melbourne Victory pass the ball sideways and being a pest on Twitter.

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