A-League Men teams as fast-food chains

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We all love football, and we all love fast-food. So which A-League Men’s team is the equivalent of McDonald’s freshly cooked fries and which team resembles a soggy chip and gravy roll from Henny Penny?

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Adelaide United as Domino’s

How good is Domino’s! No, it’s not healthy and yes, it’s definitely shortening your life span, but man does it taste good. Just like Domino’s, Adelaide United come with their pros and cons.

For the most part, the club has plenty to offer and have finished top of the league in a previous seasons. But on the other hand, they do like to hang around the middle of the pack, which is not exactly ideal. Overall, most people choose to look at the positives, and don’t focus on the excessive amount of grease covering their meat lovers.

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Brisbane Roar as Hungry Jack’s

I consider Hungry Jack’s to be the poor cousin of KFC and McDonalds. It tries its best, but it’ll never be on the same level. Same goes for Brisbane Roar. Every now and then they try to mingle with the top teams and then they come to their senses and decide to run their own race, which is good.

Not like Hungry Jack’s coming out with the ‘Big Jack’? I believe it’s pronounced ‘Big Mac’.

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Central Coast Mariners as Grill’d

Grill’d is where you go when you want a ‘healthy’ take-away option. What does this have to do with the Mariners you may ask?

Grill’d pride themselves on fresh, local produce and supporting the community. Sound familiar? The Mariners are all about producing their own players and keeping things local.

It’s a match made in heaven if you ask me.

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Macarthur FC as Taco Bell

Just like Taco Bell, Macarthur FC are the new kids on the block. Something new and fresh is always exciting but if you’ve tried Taco Bell, you’ll know it doesn’t really live up to the hype.

Is it flavoursome? Sure. Is it worth the money you spend on it? Probably not. The Bulls managed a commendable sixth-place finish in their first season in the league, so just like Taco Bell, they’re not the worst, but also not the best.

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Melbourne City as KFC

KFC is a top-tier fast-food chain and Melbourne City are a top-tier A-League Men’s team. Having finished in the top five for the past seven seasons, Melbourne City deserve to be equated to a mouth-watering zinger box combo.

Melbourne City fans rarely have a reason to be disappointed in their team and same goes for the quality of food delivered by the Colonel.

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Melbourne Victory as Oporto

If Hungry Jack’s is the poor cousin to KFC and McDonald’s, Oporto is their long-lost brother’s cousin’s uncle’s ex-wife. There is no consistency in the standard of food that Oporto offers. Just like there is no consistency in the level of play coming from Melbourne Victory.

They’ve been top of the league, bottom of the league and everywhere in-between. Both Melbourne Victory and Oporto have a lot of work to do to redeem themselves.

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Newcastle Jets as Henny Penny

I’m sorry Newcastle Jets, I really am, but as a proud Novocastrian myself, I feel like I’m allowed to say this. Newcastle Jets are the equivalent of Henny Penny.

Not a lot of flavour, super cheap and non-existent outside of Newcastle.

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Perth Glory as Red Rooster

Not much to say here. Both are average. They have had their moments though.

Like when Perth Glory finished on top of the ladder at the end of the 2018/19 season. And the days when Red Rooster used to sell those delicious blue pop-top juices which I’m sure were 95% sugar and 5% artificial flavouring. How good.

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Sydney FC as McDonald’s

McDonald’s is the crème-de-la-crème of fast food, and you can’t change my mind. Therefore, it’s only fitting that Sydney FC are the chain’s equivalent.

Sydney FC have managed a top-two finish every season since 2016/17. The club’s first two matches this season, however, have been the equivalent of cold, soggy fries that McDonald’s refuse to waste and instead serve to their customers.

We stick around though, praying that next time we go through the drive-through and we get the beloved fresh fries we all deserve.

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Wellington Phoenix as Subway

I don’t know if you can technically classify Subway as fast-food because let’s be honest, it takes them at least 10 minutes to make a sandwich. However, Wellington Phoenix are Subway’s A-League Men team equivalent.

Both Subway and the Nix are the odd ones out. Geographically the club is based in a different country – what could be odder than that. And no other ‘fast-food’ chain offers delicious, freshly baked cookies. Point to Subway.

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Western Sydney Wanderers as Pizza Hut

I’m sorry Western Sydney Wanderers, but you are Pizza Hut – Domino’s annoying and less impressive younger brother.

Your pizzas don’t have as much flavour, your variety is sub-par, and you fail to compete with the big boys. The Wanderers have had a below average past few seasons and have failed to mingle with the teams at the top of the league.

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Western United as Carl’s Jr.

Like Taco Bell, Carl’s Jr. is also newer on the scene than most, and same goes for Western United. Western United have been a bit all over the place in their first two seasons in the league with a fifth-place finish followed by a 10th-place finish.

Similarly, the quality of food between Carl’s Jr. stores is also a bit all over the place. Sometimes it’s a 10 and other times…is there a bucket handy?

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Feature Image Credit: Jaime Castaneda

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Grace Clegg
Covering the Newcastle Jets for the 2021/22 season. Studying a Bachelor of Communication (News Media and PR) at the University of Newcastle. Coffee addict.

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