10 characters from your local football club

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Compared to the gloss of the professional game, local grass roots club football has its own distinct identity and set of characters.

The following is a list of people from the world of local club football that you either: are, have played with, or have had a direct involvement with.

1. Laurie: the shit, old referee

Laurie is literally the shittest referee in world football.

Despite this, everybody loves him and gives him a pass because he’s been around forever. He’s very trigger-happy on the whistle and rarely strays from the centre circle. For some reason he only ever has one linesman, which doesn’t help his cause at all.

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2. Brett: the midfield general

Every good team needs a Brett doing everyone’s running for them.

Brett’s strengths are his stamina and his ability to put in a firm, but well timed slide tackle in midfield. He lacks technical ability, but likes to keeps things simple. He regularly scoffs at tricky wingers and their showy step-overs. “You’re not Neymar, mate.”

3. Ronny: the goals

The goals have to come from somewhere, and Ronny is the man for the job. His pace is just too much to handle.

One simple ball over the top and you have yourself a 1v1. Ronny’s guaranteed to net at least 25 a season, but still insists he’s not carrying the team.

4. Pam: the committee lady

If you don’t sell any raffle tickets by next week, Pam will somehow track you down and let you know she’s disappointed.

It’ll hurt you because she’s the angel of the club and without her the club wouldn’t function.

5. Ben: the fill in from HR

Whenever numbers are short, you can rely on Ben (the captain’s mate from work) to timidly fill in at left-back.

He spends most of the game looking pretty uncomfortable and unsure of what he’s supposed to be doing. Nobody really minds though and Ben’s happy to make up the numbers.

6. Mitch: the tactician

Mitch is pretty rubbish at football, but he’s a true scholar of the game. He’s always in the coach’s ear making odd high-level tactical suggestions, such as “I think we’re better suited to a back three and a double pivot in possession because it gives us the overload in midfield and additional width from the wingbacks.”

Mitch’s team usually stick with the 4-4-2.

7. Cathy, Sarah and Donna: the Mums

Because not much is happening on the field, the mums tend to do a good job of entertaining themselves on the sideline. Every 10 minutes or so they’ll chip in with a few words of encouragement, “C’mon big kick!”

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8. Deano: the aggro centre-back reconnecting with his spirited youth

This guy holds nothing back and prides himself on being an intimidating physical presence, but ships at least five penalties a season.

Whenever Deano is matched up against a quick striker, he’ll chop him down again and again with no hesitation.

9. Tilly: canteen trainee

It’s the day after her 10th birthday and Tilly reckons she’s ready to hold down the canteen. 

She has an air of arrogance about her because she’s a big girl now. She gets the change wrong from time to time, but you don’t say anything because you don’t want to shake her confidence.

10. Robbo: Mr. Forgetful

Whether it’s his shin-pads, his socks, his pants, his shirt or his boots, you can pretty much guarantee that Robbo has forgotten at least one of them. He also has a 5% success rate of independently remembering to sign the team sheet.

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Harry Keating
Harry Keating
Intern at The Football Sack covering The Newcastle Jets A-League and W-League home matches!

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