If A-League teams were alcoholic beverages

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One thing that unites fellow Australians is the consumption of alcohol, and today we’re here to decide which type of booze accurately reflects your favourite A-League team.

Adelaide United = Great Northern Supercrisp

Very enjoyable and easy to get behind. Sensible but well equipped to have a fun time. A little bit trendy and hipsterish, but not enough to be annoying.

Both Adelaide and Great Northern are pretty safe and rarely are the target of excessive hatred or disgust. ‘What’s that Great Northern? Fair enough.’ ‘Oh you support Adelaide? Fair enough.’

Brisbane Roar = Little Fat Lamb

A complete mess. Clumsy. Not particularly smart or tasteful. Little Fat Lamb has potential, and sometimes you convince yourself that it tastes good… but the fact is it doesn’t.

Both had a good run of popularity and success in the past, but now you just feel sorry for that dude drinking Fat Lamb in the corner of a party in 2019.

Central Coast Mariners = Passion Pop

As Daniel McBreen would say, f*cking dogshit.

Just terrible and sometimes you wonder why it even exists. Somehow it has found its place in the world and has stood the test of time despite the universal understanding of how bad it is.

You can start a night out on Passion Pop if the Veronicas happen to be playing in the background, but it shouldn’t be touched in the ‘second half’ of the evening. There’s just not enough consistency and staying power to keep drinking that stuff for an extended period of time.

Melbourne Victory = Cabernet Sauvignon

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There’s an air of arrogance and pretentiousness about both Melbourne Victory and Cabernet Sauvignon. Annoying when it’s talked about too much, but undeniably good on its day.

Melbourne City – Goon (in the box)

A little bit full of shit and trying really hard to be something it isn’t. City have the exterior and spending habits of a top A-League club, but rarely back that up with results.

Cask wine is just goon with some cardboard around it. Melbourne City is just Melbourne Victory with seagulls around it and a lot less success.

Newcastle Jets – Toohey’s New

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Tenacious and consistently underwhelming. Toohey’s and the Jets have been around for ever, but neither really have the quality to do anything special.

Both are pretty honest and upfront in their approach and have a good understanding of where they sit on the spectrum of quality and popularity. Occasionally your friend might shout you a New and you’ll be surprised by how well it goes down.

Perth Glory – Purple Cruiser

Yummy and purple.

Not overly sophisticated or high brow, but bloody yummy and exciting when in the mood. Won’t necessarily be a reliable option in the long term, but both are a guilty pleasure.

Sydney FC – Johnie Walker Blue

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Spending an excessive amount of money on something that you have to pretend to enjoy. Both have delusions of grandeur and excellence.

Also blue. Colours are 95% of this list.

Wellington Phoenix – Corona

Some weird shit from across the border that feels a bit different but isn’t really all that good.

Can be decent to freshen things up, but there’s no way you’d get involved on a regular basis.

Western Sydney Wanderers – Jagermiester

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Unpredictable, volatile and all over the shop.

Both would make unwanted and aggressive appearances at house parties in 2013.

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Harry Keating
Intern at The Football Sack covering The Newcastle Jets A-League and W-League home matches!