If A-League clubs were political parties

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Did you know there is a Federal Election coming? Are you politically illiterate or not sure who to vote for?

Then come along for the ride as I simplify your voting choices by giving you options based off the A-League club you support.

*Turns off social media notifications*

Adelaide United = The Greens

Adelaide are kinda like the Greens. Why? Well sit down and buckle up.

The Greens are just kinda there. They exist as an entity, with policies and a leader and a bunch of mainly wannabe hipsters sipping their kombuchas but when the whips are cracking, the Greens aren’t really important. They’ll snag a few votes, mostly donkey votes or disenfranchised voters or your mate Andrew and his disgusting man-bun who lectures you for eating meat. They’ll occasionally have a good run, like in the early 2010s, but they aren’t a consistent force.

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Brisbane Roar = One Nation

So this is dicey but One Nation and Brisbane share more than just a love of the colour orange.

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Originating in suburban Brisbane, there was a time when One Nation was at its peak. No one quite understands how or why this happened but it did. Then a series of embarrassing gaffes like infighting and financial/legal troubles made people leave or – like in the case of Fraser Anning – some just used the party as their gateway in and then left to chase their own ambitions.

Originating in suburban Brisbane, there was a time when Brisbane Roar was at its peak. No one quite understands how or why this happened but it did. Then a series of embarrassing gaffes like infighting and financial/legal troubles made people leave or – like in the case of Alex Brosque – some just used the party as their gateway in and then left to chase their own ambitions.

Ultimately, both One Nation and Brisbane Roar declined at a faster rate than Australia’s liking for Tim Cahill circa 2017.

Now I don’t know but there’s something about having high level disputes between senior figures, legal trouble and a mass exodus which is very particular to those from the North.

Central Coast Mariners  = Bob Katter party

I searched ‘vaguely relevant Australian political party’ and this came up. The Mariners used to be relevant in the A-League. Now they are just letting themselves down season after season, and with each signing we wonder whether someone should ask if they’re okay. Someone should check if Bob Katter’s okay. Or even alive.

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Melbourne Victory = Labor Party

The Labor Party is the party of the people, or at least the people who aren’t Liberal people. Melbourne Victory are very good at winning and football, they’re the most successful club in the competition. Both are two of the biggest entities in their arena, you know it makes sense.

Melbourne City = Liberal Democrats

They have the big spending tendencies of Sydney and obvious similarities with Melbourne Victory. They are not as impressive as either club.

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Newcastle Jets = Derryn Hinch’s Justice Party

The Human Headline surged back into our consciousness with his straight talking attitude and no one is quite as straight talking as the lads at Newcastle in Lawrie McKinna and Ernie Merrick. Tell it like it is lads: occasionally it comes off spectacularly well like when Hinch won his seat or Newcastle made the Grand Final in 2017/18. Occasionally it misses the mark like Jair running in on an open goal.

Perth Glory = United Australia Party

Clive Palmer is a man after my own heart: a lover of memes and double coated Tim Tams. I have no idea if Tony Sage loves either of those things but I sure hope he does.

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Personally, I just love their commitment to new ideas: Want to build a to-scale replica of the Titanic? Let’s bloody do it! Want to turn Coolum into Jurassic Park? What a ripping idea! Want to evolve the A-League into a transnational competition involving Asia? Go for it Tony!

Sydney FC = Liberal Party

These two like the fancier things in life: money, marquee items, did I mention money?

Yes, they’re known as big-time spenders with cash to burn. Just look at when Sydney bought in Alessandro Del Piero while everyone else was going for an Issey Nakajima-Farran approach, or when multiple organisations needed money and the Liberal Party dumped $444 million dollars into the Great Barrier Reef foundation. If you’ve got money these guys will almost certainly spend it.

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And while they are prone to the odd slip-up ala Scott Morrison at Engadine Maccas 1997 or Sydney FC in the 2015 A-League Grand Final, they are mightily successful for a reason: they are pretty sound operators.

Western Sydney Wanderers = The Nationals

Wanderers are like the younger brother: lots to say but rarely the actions to back it up. The Nationals promise a lot of tough talk but they end up getting bogged down in scandals which is the only time they get our attention. They both need to exist but their success is questionable.

Both promise us the scandals aren’t their fault; Barnaby had wandering eyes, so what? Wanderers fans wrecked a hotel alfresco dining area, get over it. It’s not our fault. No one likes us we don’t care.

Wellington Phoenix = Centre Alliance

It would have been easier if we had some foreign party but we don’t so drum-roll please:

The centre alliance aka Nick Xenophon’s old mob aka the party you may not have heard of. I’ve never met anyone who votes for them but then again, I’ve never met a Phoenix supporter. Back when the Centre Alliance was under Nick Xenophon’s control, they used to do weird stunts like Xenophon getting around in a miniature car or bringing a donkey into Times Square.

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I am not sure why they did it but then again I am not sure why Wellington fans are committed to getting their kit off in the 80th minute, some things are just a mystery.

At least they’re unique.

Feature image credit: Ngai Kai Yan

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Adam Daunt
A student at University of South Australia who hopes his writing disguises his lack of sporting prowess and a fan who masquerades his choice in mediocre teams as being hipster